Surly Something

Gone Too Long!

2008-08-09T13:48:00.008-07:00

I haven't posted here in..wow, over a year. That's crazy!

Between work majorly kicking my butt for awhile, health issues and so much family stuff I haven't had a lot of energy. Especially energy to share myself.

It was a year ago May that my cousin Jimmy died and almost 6 months since my Aunt Michelle died. It's still surreal and unreal. But our family is plodding along the best we can. I think never having real 'loss' tragedies happen to us made us feel immune to the possibility so to have two in under 10 months was quite overwhelming.

I was still struggling along with a newish job, the abrupt move, the crazy non-stop health issues. Thanks, stress! Things finally seem to be slowing down a bit. The past two month struggle with the 'ms' issues was very scary but now I have no glaring symptoms of it so i'm enjoying my relatively good health and not dwelling on the possibility of a scary diagnosis. It's nice that the neurologist is on vacation, it gives me time not to think of it at all.

My sister is in town from Toronto on business but she's fortunate that they allow her to fly early so she can spend the weekend hanging with the family so today we're having the "Danielle's Home During The Summer Family BBQ". Yay! I'm bringing berries (strawberries, raspberries, blueberries) and making a fruit dip. That's my contribution. Healthy and tasty.

Other than that, no plans on the horizon. Naps, coffee, good food eating and gearing up for my 4 day long weekend up to the the Caribou Garlic Festival! Ha! I've never been but my best friend is helping in a booth and I need to get out of this city for awhile and see my people and breathe fresh air and sit around and stare at trees.

Yes indeed.

I think i'll make a note to remind myself to post here more often.

It's only fair.

Happy Summer, ever'body!

I was tagged, wtf?

2007-06-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

List eight random facts about yourself

I never get tagged for anything, I’m equal parts stoked and weirded out. Thanks, Blue eyes!

1. I lost my Mom when I was 11. I can’t tell you how much this has sculpted me into the person I am today. My Mom was only 28 when she died of cervical cancer. A disease that now has an almost 85% cure rate. How shitty is that? My Dad remarried and I can’t help but wonder how my life would be if he never had the chance to meet my now Mom. We wouldn’t have my sisters or my nephew or our huge family. Circle of life and all that.

2 . I’ve been best friends with Janet since we were 14. We talk now just as much as then. Hard to believe, but very true. Now when we list off who we are it falls under “extended family”. I’m also the legal guardian to her 3 children. What an honor.

3. I have diabetes. Type 2. I was diagnosed in Oct 2006. I wish we could’ve figured out what was wrong before it turned into a full blown chronic condition. It sucks. But I’m doing my best to manage it. Splenda, anyone?

4. I fall in love easily. It’s a curse. No, really. It is. I had such a tumultuous time in my teens that I didn’t have the chance to experience the basics of forming relationships with people. I ran from anything remotely involving me and someone else. I could barely handle getting up every day. Now I’m emotionally retarded when it comes to love.

5. I spend way, way, way too much time alone. But I like it. I trust me. I like my solitude. It’s apparently not very healthy, but seriously what is. I putter. I nap. I shop. I watch movies. I’m good company.

6. I don’t have a love of shoes like most women. I have a love of magazines. And jeans. I’m not a collector. There are very few things I NEED to have. Scorsese movies, yes. Wilco cd’s, yes. Tracy Chapman cd’s, yes. I’m pretty easy to please.

7. I’m a water baby. I love everything about it. The beach, lakes.
If I was to ever marry it would be at the beach. When I did I want my ashes to be scattered in the ocean. I trained to get my life guard certificate when I was 11. I was the youngest kid in the class. Mouth to mouth on an adult male when you’re 11 is frightening.

8. Some of my most important relationships have been formed with friends I’ve met online. Some of the most complicated yet amazing relationships. Some great friendships. Some people that have made a difference in my life in ways they’ll never know.

2007-06-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

I like pictures.

And sun.

And coffee.

word.

Hey! Hey! Look what I got!

2007-06-09T14:29:00.001-07:00

This is my new baby.

I've never owned NEW. Like brand new. Ever. It's scary and exciting.

I *heart* her. Haha. What a big, materialistic chick I am. It sure feels good though.

Now I have no excuse not to drive down to San Fran and visit my cyber BFF Sam the Hottie.
We can oogle all the hot mens. Sam's not down with vajayjay so we can share! Right?

Damn, I need SOME!

I rock the Whitesnake look

2007-05-27T19:00:00.001-07:00

I already fell off the wagon with yesterday's program. Ugh.

I didn't go CRAZY, but still. This is harder than I ever thought it would be. And i'm so totally hard on myself to begin with.

I guess I just need to do the best I can.

Have I ever mentioned how thankful I am for

My Mom who loves me the best she knows how
The great people I work with (truly NICE people)
the neighborhood I work in-it's beautiful, hip and fun
comfy new jean capris
weekends (god, I sound like some cheezy Oprah quote)
m.u.s.i.c. and working with it, in it, around it

I'm not sure if it's just me or what but birds have seriously been factoring into my life lately. They're like flying torpedo's these days. Crazy spring energy. I notice them in weird places too. Hey look, there's a bird right on top of that street sign. Hey, that bird it doing a dance on the hood of that car. Hey look, that bird is flying right at us! I think it's because i'm out and about more. When I drive I pay attention to the road, not silly birds. They're out there though..have a look. Flying rats!

I have a LOT of freakin' hair, man

Stupid diabetes

2007-05-27T18:57:00.001-07:00

Ok. I'm getting back on track.

I've been remiss in my diabetes care lately and I have to deal with it. My blood sugars have been high (partially due to stress and being sick) , i'm an emotional eater so this whole devastating time for my family has some how allowed me to not be as aware. Don't get me wrong, there hasn't been any fast food or copious amounts of sugar laden snacks. I've skipped a lot of meals though which means i've skipped a lot of medication. The medication keeps my sugars lower. Blah blah.

I've been exhausted when I get home so i'm not meal planning.

Last night I was so upset with a sugar reading that I forced myself to go shopping where I bought fresh vegetables, lean meats, nuts, good dressings, whole wheat crackers etc. I made a great dinner. A mixed green salad that had little pieces of stir fried chicken breast, cucumber, snow peas, organic cheese and it was topped with a low calorie Greek dressing. You CAN eat healthy and still have flavor. It just takes time. I have to think about meals. I'm going to have to sit down on the weekends and plan my next week's meals. I'm going to eat breakfast again, not buy it somewhere near the office. I found a really great multi grain instant hot cereal that has 5grams of fibre per serving so that should really help me during the day. Crackers and no sugar cookies at work. No more Starbucks pastry (even though I get the low fat ones-they're crammed with sugar)

So, that's where i'm at. And getting out and walking more. Finally the weather is allowing it.

It's cheesy and cliche, but we only have this one life and i've decided, after all these years of struggle, to finally live it

My Mom bought me the prettiest necklace when she was on her Panama Cruise. I'm not sure where it's from though..but the stones are these gorgeous semi-precious somewhat opaque type crystal. The picture doesn't do it justice but you'll get the idea. And yes, that's my pale chest. Haha.

Five Things to Do in Your City

2006-09-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

I stole this from the blue-eyed devil himself, God of Biscuits.

1. Drive, walk, bike, rollerblade through Stanley Park. (or park somewhere quiet and read for awhile, like I do)

2. Visit Commercial drive. Stop for cookies at Fratelli's and magazines at Magpie's.

3. Wreck Beach (it's where the nudies hang out in the summer)

4. Nat Bailey Stadium to see the C's play.

5. Granville Island-pick up great food for dinner, visit galleries, feed the seagulls.

2006-04-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

My favorite picture.

EVER. Bitches.

2005-11-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Why do I bother.

Go away now, no one wants you. Why did you think they ever did?

Just go. away.

You're valueless. You're not priceless. You're zero.

Loser.
Failure.
Loser.

Big fucking loser.

Go the fuck away.

Let me off.

Autumn Nights

2005-10-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we need the comfort of a season change to remind us of what stays consistent. I know there are many parts of the world that have one or two seasons, but here in Vancouver you can mark the seasonal changes on the calendar and they happen, almost perfectly consistent every year.

I'm listening to the Wailin' Jenny's right now. This amazing "folk" group from this area that has sweet and beautiful harmonized vocals. It's the perfect music to listen to when it's raining out and you're making comfort food for dinner and the hum of laundry spinning around is in the background.

My heart hurts. Way too much. And way too often. It's tender and sensitive. And as much as I hate to admit that, it's so very true. I find it a detriment. A hindrance. It's a dirty secret. People that stay in my life know I have it, but any outsiders don't have a clue. I have that hard exterior and soft, gooey centre. So, when they hurt me and most of the time it's probably unintentional, I break apart. Into a million scattered emotions and feelings. So many feelings that I probably have a mantra for every one. I've been learning through counseling not to be so goddamn hard on myself, but that's a struggle unto itself. The constant reminding that it's ok to make a mistake. That it's ok to love deeply. That it's not always my fault or my flaws that "ruin" situations. I can give up the responsibility of that to other people sometimes. So, my brain's in over-drive trying to sort out my business. And it's all going on with a new job and Christmas and birthday-hell looming. I know it's just life...but man, it would be nice if a few things felt easy and not so hard fought for.

But, I was thinking that you don't have to work for the things that have always been right. The friendships that work and work well are not hard fought for at all. They're what they are and that's the consistent part. You need to remind yourself that the core of your world is ok. The outsiders have to work hard to get into it and that doesn't happen often.

Thank god for home base.

*That was a fiercely scattered ramble.

2005-10-10T18:33:00.000-07:00

Because I work with and listen to music all day I rarely listen to it at home. But this past weekend i've listened to a lot.

My new spins are

My Morning Jacket (why don't I have all of their stuff?)
Elbow (I can't get enough of this album, it's so beautiful)
Sheryl Crow (not rock and roll hits, just sweet songs)
Paul McCartney (very beatlesque)

They're all lovely in their own way.

I've been sleeping a lot. I feel down, but not way down. Mostly just sad. And lonely. My anxiety is pretty high too. I go through these little spurts of energy and get a lot done, then I sleep. I guess that's the joy of the three day long weekend.

Things have been great the last month, but everything creeps back up on me and I have to keep reminding myself not to suffer so much. It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to not be perfect. My life won't be over if everything's not just so. I'm human. It's hard to swallow though..I feel sick with guilt and worry. And i'm always wondering if i'm sabotaging myself.

Having a lot of love to give makes me scared.

I just wish someone would accept a little bit of it.

Y'know?

A Quiz

2005-10-01T21:51:00.000-07:00

I got this from someone, but I can't remember who.

7 things I plan to do before I die

1. Visit New York City. And not for a week. I want to stay for about six months. Live there, feel the vibe. See too many concerts/gigs for my own good. Be over-whelmed.

2. Fall truly and madly in love. And it works. And it's amazing.

3. See my sister's dreams come true.

4. Watch my nephew become a full fledged NHL'er.

5. Fly. Please, get me on a plane.

6. Live on the Sunshine Coast. Waking up every morning and watching the ocean.

7. Be happy with myself. Everyday.

7 things I can do:

1. Type like a mad fiend.

2. Drive well. I'm so comfortable behind the wheel. I was built for it for some reason.

3. Work hard. Really hard. Be a valueable member of a company.

4. I make a mean loaf of banana bread, that's a mad skill, yo.

5. Get it done. Even when I don't want to. I'm so stubborn that I make it work. You want me on your side. Haha.

6. My own car maintenance. To the best of my ability. Fluid top up and all that fun stuff. Most women won't do it, but I drive the car and it's mine, so it's my responsibility.

7. Love.

7 things I cannot do:

1. I suck at math. Always have. I fooled around WAY too much in grade 9 algebra. Ha.

2. Back flip

3. Run a mile.

4. Fly a plane.

5. Pay my phone bill on time. I need to change that.

6. Give up on my family.

7. Eat in our lunchroom. Hence the name I dubbed it...Vomitorium.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex

1. Physique. I love big, manly men. Husky. Tall. Strong.

2. Sense of humour. Everyone says that, but I mean it. If you can make ME laugh, it's on.

3. Hands. Strong, big hands. So sexy.

4. Eyes.

5 Confidence. And being comfortable in their own skin.

6. Strong and independent and open-minded.

7. Responsible.

7 things that I say most often:

1. Dude.

2. What the fuck?

3. Ummm...no.

4. Howdy.

5. Get the fuck out of the fast lane.

6. What's shakin'?

7. Holy crap.

7 Celebrity Crushes

1. James Gandolfini. Yum. Big and just, yum.

2. Ray Liotta. Check out his eyes...they'll make you melt.

3. The Rock. You need an explanation?

4. Keifer Sutherland. What a voice...

5. Jessica Alba. Sin City. Cowgirl? Hello. Damn girl.

6. DJ Mixmutt. Hottie. A fine ass. The sweetest face.

7. Anthony Mackie. He's so fucking fine. If you don't know, he's the lead in Spike Lee's, She Hate Me. And he's in Million Dollar Baby.

Smile for the Camera

2005-09-01T21:43:00.000-07:00

Self Portrait.

Lovely Birthday

2005-08-27T21:14:00.000-07:00

Some pictures from my birthday.

Mostly of the boy...but we love him so.

The Bumps

2005-08-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's my 35th birthday.

And I have sister's that are fighting. I guess it's going to be a quiet celebration. First off it was going to be a great night of fun. We were going to hang at the bar together and get all silly and I was taking the day off and the following week. Now they're not talking, I had to spend all my money on car repairs and the week off is off.

I guess 35 looks like a bust.

But.

I feel really good with my new job and all.

Very good in fact.

Happy Brithday to me.

:)

2005-08-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

I was all excited because I thought someone left a comment on my site.

It was just spam.

That sucks ass!

You're It.

2005-08-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

I wasn't tagged and I won't tag anyone else, but I love these things (yes, it's a sickness)

Tag Spam!...
Another game of TAG SPAM!
List 3 things that bug you - things that others may find trivial. Then tag 6 of your friends.

1. I can't stand walking around with wet socks. Even a drop on the bottom of my foot will spin me out and I have to change them. Some days, when i'm doing housework, i'll change them like 5 times. I very rarely go barefooted, there's something about feeling stuff on the bottom of my feet. I love shoes and socks. I like the snugness.

2. The smell of lunchrooms. Not restaurants. Workplace lunchrooms. The smell of different kinds of foods intermingled. Leftover food. Different ethnic foods. It makes me want to vomit.
I can't heat my food up when I can smell someone else's food wafting out. Gross.

3. Talking during music concerts when the band is playing or talking. I didn't pay X amount of dollars to hear you and your drunken frat boy friends talk about the vapid whorish girl you fucked the night before. I came to see the band, didn't you? If you want to talk, find yourself a corner and talk away. Or better yet, next time you want to go to a show, save yourself some money and just go for a beer at your local bar. Save the music for the people that love the music.

What was the last song you played?
Fire Coming Out of the Monkey's Head - Gorillaz

What was the last album you bought?
AC/DC - Highway to Hell (remastered, digipack)You know you NEED to rock out to Walk All Over You (if you're a badass)

How many songs are on your computer?
None. Zero. Zip. I don't download.

Strong Enough

2005-07-31T17:05:00.000-07:00

You seriously have to take the good with the bad or you'll make yourself crazy.

Each and every day you have the opportunity to make up for the day before. Or top it. If you want it to suck, that's on you too.

Do I feel bad for long naps and not having kids? No, not at all. Do I sometimes feel lonely because I don't have a family running around to chase? Once in awhile. I do vaule my life as a single person though. And i'm proud of the fact that I chose the road less taken. It would have been incredibly easy to have gone out and found someone and pretended to make a "life". I'm not cutting down parents though. But i've seen how much work it is. And i've seen how over-populated and messed up the world is and that there are millions of kids that have a shit-ass life. It's not for me.

I helped in raising my sisters. I love me some babies, trust me. It's almost scary how much I love those little creatures. But I will not sacrifice myself or them because society says that I need to breed because I have breasts and ovaries. Nope.

The door is always wide open though. I wouldn't say no. But things have to be in place first. I have certain standards aboubt my life.

Yes, i'm too hard on myself. That is a very big truth.

I'm finding out in counselling that a lot of the things i'm so hard on myself about or the things I loathe about myself are actually things to be comended for. I'm getting positive affirmation for the first time in my life. And it's not said to get me to shut up or leave. It's not said to patronize me. The bitter and saddness that my counsellor hears in my voice about certain situations confuses her I think. The look on her face is incredulous sometimes. It's as if she thinks there should be more people like me. I always leave that office with my mind churning. Like, "did that really flow out of me so easily?" And I never feel like crying. I never feel hopeless. I see words in front of me like "control" like "rejection" like "morals". She said I stick to my guns. That I like order. That I hate injustice. That i'm very black and white with certain things but that I pick my battles wisely. That i'm a defender. That i'll take risks for injustice. That i'm unafraid.

I leave there feeling positive energy.

It fucking rocks my world.

For the first time, when i'm hearing myself speak, I sound clear and intelligent and worth knowing.

It's taken me a long time not to loathe myself with such intensity.

She also says that i've been taking a lot of stock in my actions lately. That i'm making concerted efforts to recognize destructive behaviour and modify it. How cool is that?

I've also been spending time with my family. Good time. Relaxing visits where we talk to each other. Have discussions where there's no drama. I've been hanging out with my baby sister. She's amazing and has come so far. I love that kid. Concious efforts to be around the people that love me. It's staggering how much better you feel about yourself when you LET some love in. I've been a back turner for a long time. But i'm trying hard and it's paying off.
===============

Happy Pride, Vancouver!

2005-07-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

I knew I was good at something.

QUIZ
Sex Ed
Test your knowledge of sex in film
By Kevin J. Siu
Results

You scored 10 out of 10.
Whoa, NC-17. Hope you do better than Showgirls.

Test yourself.

J.

2005-07-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

You get under my skin. But I don't have to tell you that, you know.

You also know that i'm truly powerless when you're around and i'm an utter mess when I hear your voice.

In a perfect world i'd buy us an island...

In a perfect world you would always be mine
In a perfect world I would always be yours

You rattle around in my heart. Not all the time though, sometimes you lie dormant, waiting. When you feel the need to wake me, you do so with a vengeance.

Hungry.
In.
Vancouver.

Your dirty girl, T.

Puppy Love

2005-07-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

Pilfered from the cutest pup of all

You Are a Dachshund Puppy

Loyal and playful - with a good hunting instinct.
You sometimes go a little crazy and need to chase down a rabbit or two.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

When I was a baby my maternal Grandfather had a dachshund named Hans. There are stories about how protective he was of me and that I would crawl up onto him and fall asleep and he would sort of babysit me while everyone visited and played cards.

I guess everything comes full circle.

Excerpt

2005-07-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

It's a lot easier to tell someone you don't "know" how things really are than tell the people that supposedly love and care about you. I've built this wall myself. I'm finding out some interesting things in counselling. Pinpointing the reasons I feel the way I do. And it makes me angry. Like I didn't have a choice in it. That I have a brain that stores everything instead of processing it and eliminating the bad stuff.

I'm way too hard on myself. I worry so much. And about things that aren't terrible. Everyday things. Silly stuff like if i'm talking too much or if I said something stupid. I'll think about it and rake myself over the coals for it hours later. I'll be embarrassed days later thinking about something. It's funny because I will hear something in my head that a parent or a friend said years and years ago about something and i'll apply it today. "you always want to talk about everything" now I don't want to talk about anything with them. And that was when I was like 15 years old. It's there, fresh. And that sucks ass. It affects me to this day. Why?

I isolate myself because the only person that can reject me when i'm alone is me. And i've hated myself for years.

I want to write about how I feel and I go blank. And I get tired. So very tired of myself. I want to be easy-going, but you shouldn't have to work so fucking hard to be easy going.

2005-07-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

I want to write about it. But it seems sort of raw inside me.

The slicing open of old scars. Ones that have healed but not in a pretty way. Sometimes they open up a little and it takes a long time to get them back to that place. The one that doesn't hurt so much. Where i'm not constantly picking at it and trying to get it to gape open. But if I leave them for too long they get infected and something is bound to make me sick with anger.

And stress.

Two things that keep popping up in my mind.

-Control
-Rejection

It makes so much sense but it was someone that barely knows me that pinpointed it. I have a feeling there's going to be a third.

Now, if we can figure out a way for me to loosen the grip on those things maybe life won't seem so unbearable.

Little bit of this and a little bit of that

2005-07-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

Partial meme. (the fun part)

5 snacks I enjoy: pudding cups, popcorn, licorice allsorts, ice cream, cheezies

5 bands that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Led Zeppelin, Tracy Chapman, Steve Earle, Coldplay, Rolling Stones

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: donate 1 million to the Vancouver Cancer Clinic, another million to Canuck Place, pay off my friend's mortgage, buy each of my sister's a new house and car, buy my parent's a cabin on a lake anywhere they wanted, set up a fat trust funds for my neice & nephew, buy myself a house out in the Valley and a penthouse downtown, go on a LONG vacation-first stop NYC

5 locations I’d like to run away to: New York City, Spain, Amsterdam, Sunshine Coast of BC, San Francisco

5 bad habits I have: flippin' people the bird, listening to my music TOO loud, drinking too much Pepsi, procrastinating

5 things I like doing: listening to my music TOO loud, spending time with my nephew, watching movies/sports, driving through the park, sleeping

5 things I would never wear: mini-skirts, high heels, baby t's, cheap perfume, tie dye

5 TV shows I like: Sopranos, Law & Order SVU, Coronation Street, ER, Six Feet Under

5 movies I like: Goodfellas, Home for the Holidays, Big Lebowski, Casino, Moonstruck

5 famous people I’d like to meet: Bill Clinton, Robert Plant, James Gandolfini, Steve Earle, Janeane Garafolo

5 biggest joys at the moment: my nephew Max, my health, my sister Samantha, Gorillaz, watching the planes

2005-07-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

-Snow Patrol

I live in a cool-ass country

2005-06-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Same-sex legislation passed
Last Updated Tue, 28 Jun 2005 22:34:21 EDT
CBC News
The Liberals' controversial same-sex marriage legislation has passed final reading in the House of Commons, sailing through with a vote of 158 for and 133 against.

Supported by most members of the Liberals, the Bloc Quebecois and the NDP, the legislation passed easily, making Canada only the third country in the world, after the Netherlands and Belgium, to officially recognize same-sex unions.

Fucking eh!

Please Hit the Other Cars

2005-06-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

Little Ninja Nephew

I don't have a lot to say right now.
Not that I don't have a lot going on in my head or anything, I just can't seem to convey it.

Very jumbled.

I really hope i'm happy one day.

But that doesn't seem like a possibility at this time.

things I like right now

- the comfort of home

-orange creamsicles

-sleeping with my soft down comforter

-watching the planes taxi, take off, land

-low rise jeans

-the new White Stripes

-this time of day, early evening in the early summer

-getting emails from my niece

-having my nephew on the phone, hearing his little breath's and his button pushing

-A&E

That is all.

2005-06-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

Surly Something
Look out for the

m
HOLE

From Go-Quiz.com

I think this is SO funny. Why?

Thank you for all the wonderful comments on my last post.

Especially to you, Sam. Thank you so much.

Strength

2005-05-31T23:42:00.000-07:00

He had his whole life ahead of him. But he chose to jump off an overpass not far from my home. Very early 20's and I felt heartbroken reading it.

And hypocritical.

I'm young myself and thoughts of suicide are pretty prevalent in my life.

I know for a fact that he must've been dying inside. Suicidal people feel so much despair. They just want the feelings to stop. And I say FUCK you to anyone that says it's a cop out. You're not in my head. Or his head. Or the heads of the thousands of people that take their own lives. It's this crippling fear that you can't let go of. It's shaking for no reason. It's not being able to get out of bed. It's wanting it to bloody well stop.

I'm fortunate and I know it. When I get that close...that distraught...I have people to reach out to. People that will get me back on track. Loved ones. Friends and an amazing Dr. that's patient and not judgemental.

A month ago I was walking the same path the young man was walking. I wanted the pain gone. That's all. I didn't want to hurt anyone. It needed to stop. I needed to get off the ride. I needed to stop shaking and stop crying and stop every fucking thing.

Let me off, I thought. Let me OUT.

I'm one of the lucky ones though. The one with a support network.

I had to make the call though. And I did.

That's a true testament of strength. Knowing when to get help and actually getting it. Sticking to a plan. TELLING people how you feel. Letting them love you.

But I hurt for him. So much.

I hope he's at peace now.

I'm on my way.

Isn't It Pretty?

2005-05-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

My new handbag from Shanghai. It's pure silk and absolutely gorgeous.

That is all

Hate It or Love It

2005-05-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

What's up, bitches?

3 day long weekend coming up and I have the WHOLE house to myself. It's going to be quiet and lovely. I think i'll walk around naked the whole time. The people upstairs are going away for a few days. A little extended long weekend. To Shanghai. I thought they might say Whistler or the Island. No, they're going to China. And they're going to buy me something. Whee.

Fake Prada, here I come.

I'm almost over my serious anger thing. I figure he'll get his, all I have to do is sit back and wait for the new versions of Crimestoppers or Cops, i'll see what he's been up to. His life will never be as good as mine. I should count my blessings.

2005-05-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

It's very easy to fall into the same old traps of folding into myself. Over the years i've taken to being very solitary, shutting my family and friends out of everything. Not that there's a lot of anything in particular, but i'm not part of the group. I can be. But i've chosen to stay just a little out of the circle at all times. Crossing the line when it's necessary. Important family functions and whatnot.

When I fall down, like I have recently, I slowly make my way to them. A normal person would run to the people in their lives and work out their problems and act and feel normal rather quickly. I take weeks to get out my feelings. And by that time i've gone from zero to devastated. Where I could've gone from zero to support and love.

It's scary when I can actually say that i'm improving though. Even just a little bit. It used to take me 6 months to get something out that was poisoning my every day. Now it takes about 3 weeks. But still. I'm not very good at trust.

I'm hoping that the 5 stages of grief are coming to an end. I'm at a very angry stage right now. The "I want to cause you physical pain" stage. I'm also feeling like I should go out and hook up even quicker. I know that's not the answer, but man.

My heart has been broken. Someone needs to explain to me how people can be so cruel. I just don't get it.

The Listings

2005-05-01T16:58:00.000-07:00

-my Mom's total horror at the word "snausages"

-sunset dinner and communal dishwashing

-watching Cops and Law & Order under cozy blankets

-the baby sister's smile and laugh. it's always been infectious and it makes my heart ache and swell and my eyes fill with tears at the memory even though it was just a few hours ago that I saw her

-a long, warm drive along the freeway

-new super sexy sunglasses

-hair that looks and feels softer and more beautiful than it has in a long time

-being told by 3 people that you look so good

-a perfect fitting pair of jeans that hug your ass and make your legs look long

-major eye contact with the husky goateed hottie at the market (yummy)

-blackberry and vanilla yogurt

-the new Jann Arden cd

-starting to feel better

-the beginning of my heart mending itself

-the unconditional love of family

-Kill Bill

-all the fixings for homemade burgers with cheddar, fresh buns and hot fries

-home

-me

-love

-strength

Love

2005-04-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

April 15, 2005
Stolen from Sam.
* Reply to this message telling me which of these 30 artists you have also seen perform.
* Take the ones from my list that you have seen, and post them in your own LJ (or blog).
* Add more until you have 30.

1. The Chemical Brothers
2. Dinosaur Jr
3. Tool
4. Coldplay
5. The Music
6. Wilco
7. Built To Spill x4
8. Modest Mouse
9. John Spencer Blues Explosion x2
10.Spiritualized
11.Radiohead x2
12.Foo Fighters
13.U2 x3
14.Public Enemy
15.Sugar Cubes
16.Steve Earle x6
17.Morcheeba
18.Cypress Hill
19.Vic Chesnutt
20.Ani Difranco
21.Ben Harper
22.Tragically Hip
23.Pavement
24.DJ Shadow
25.Lucinda Williams
26.Patty Griffin
27.Gomez
28.Royal Trux
29.Lucious Jackson x2
30.Groove Armada

2005-04-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

How Good Things Are

I'm just living 'cause i'm obligated
I keep trying 'cause i've got to get it right
I pulled the trigger but I hesitated
Lying here beside myself

I go to work 'cause i've got nothing going
I count the hours by the second in my head
The guy beside me's gonna drive me crazy
Talking 'bout his children like that

I read the paper on the bus I ride home
I see the pictures of the people who are dead
And I imagine what it must be like to
Just lay down all your debts

Everybody's gotta find a God they love
Everybody's gotta figure out the end
No one can tell you how to live forever
And who would want to in light of all of this

I go to work just to avoid tomorrow
And i'm afraid that I am losing all my hair
I told the doctor just to medicate the part
of me that still is here

I'm drinking water with my whiskey these days
I'm watching William beam himself around the stars
I call my mother every second Sunday
We talk about how good things are

la la la...

-Jann Arden

so true that it hurts..

Randomness

2005-03-02T20:42:00.000-08:00

I have hives. Every once in awhile I get so stressed that I break out in them. And they wake me up in the middle of the night. I feel like hell. With a capital scratch. Luckily I have some cortisone cream to take the sting out and I managed to fall back asleep last night with my window wide open. I woke up still feeling like hell but not as itchy. I came in today only because i'm apparently meeting the new boss. I was going to dress up, but I couldn't bring myself. I had a shower, the hair and makeup thing are done. Pretty casual outfit though. They know we've always been like that and I don't think they have a problem. People that work in music are ususally allowed a little leeway with fashion.

The hives could've been brought on by a few things truth be told. I've been kicking up a lot of dust in my office. Cleaning, ripping down posters, throwing out old paperwork. Our move is supposed to be happening in a day, but no one is really sure.

I also made a HUGE pot of spaghetti sauce last night. I'm mildly allergic to tomatoes. Fuck me. I put a hex on my self.

I know i'm going to miss my big office. I don't know what to do with my pins. I have two FULL cork boards of them. Music, movies, whatnot. And I have a wall full of good posters. Behind me. And my signed stuff. I took home another 70 cd's yesterday. Not bad. I guess it was smart that I took home 300 hundred a few weeks ago. In installments. I have about 30 left. I couldn't sell them if I wanted to, they're mostly all play copies or my own from home. Too much stuff!

I'm feeling a bit heartbroken right now too. I do that shit to myself most definitely.

Two more sleeps until Friday.

2005-02-22T09:56:00.000-08:00

If I had my way
I would never go back
With my back to the wall
I just let myself fall
Watch the days turn black
But now and again I find
You cross my mind

If I was a train
I would never slow down
With my head in the sky
And the world going by
Every nowhere town
As I write one more letter to you
I know I can't change the things that I do

One day
You will discover
Just why I ran
Ran away from you lover
I know I'm to blame
I feel so ashamed
Call out your name
After the rain

What do you want me to do
I've thrown away everything for you
I've wasted my dreams
Each day it seems
I'm losing my way back to you

It's time for a change
What else can I do
The clock ticking time
I better make up my mind
Is it me or is it you
Tonight as I'm losing control
I will drink to the queen of my soul

One day
You will discover
Just why I ran
Ran away from you lover
I know I'm to blame
I feel so ashamed
Call out your name
After the rain

-Blue Rodeo

Jocko Homo

2005-02-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

Do You Really Want to Fuck With Me?

No.

You're right, you don't.

Am I the fun killer?

I also think that's a no.

Drunken idiot fun, then yes, I will kill that. And I will kill your will to try.

You should smile. What the fuck does that have to do with anything, obnoxious puke breath boy who keeps yelling at me. And you, over there. Give me the finger again. You're all jerkasses.

I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING YOU SAY. Ok, I can make out one word. Accept. I can make out accept. So I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY. Now fuck off and go away.

Who are you?

My throat is really sore from singing and my feet and legs feel like lead. You know it's a good show when..

Can I go home now please?

Thanks.

You go back, Jack...do it again

2005-02-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

I like cheese, but I LOVE melted cheese.

Sometimes love messes sex up. It can just be sex, y'know?

The blog world is filled with too many mid-sized, dark haired, college educated "women" looking for love. And they're bitter. Oh yes they are. Luckily i'm not dark haired.

I've used the word love in every comment so far.

Money DOES make the world go 'round. It just doesn't make it the nicest world.

Men do make passes at girls that wear glasses. This I know. Sexy librarian? Not just a cliche. It's something about framing your face you see.

But then again, since i've stopped wearing my glasses temporarily, i've been given a lot of compliments. I guess when you make any kind of change, someone will like it a lot or hate it a lot. I like both looks. So there.

I've never had a lot of authentic Mexican food, but I think I make a pretty good burrito. With black beans. And melted cheese. You really should try to incorporate more beans into your life.

I'd much rather go home with an envelope of pictures of my nephew than just about anything else. I would have a hard time passing up homemade buns though...if they were offered. I want both.

Heartburn follows you with age. I'm definitely aging. mental note: burritos

Making a date to go for coffee with an old friend and then actually having a complete conversation while arranging it?....hey, we just went for coffee without coffee! He would prefer Red Bull and I would prefer Pepsi anyways.

Reconnecting with people, priceless.

I go back to work tomorrow. Hallelujah! No, really. The last two weeks have been torture. Unless i'm actually going somewhere, i'm never taking two weeks off while i'm broke EVER AGAIN. Ever. Holy shit, ever.

Bingo!

Rain, Rain...Go Away

2005-01-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

I haven't been here for awhile.

It's not because I don't have anything to say, it's that I can't get it all together into something cohesive.

It feels like the Apocalypse is near with the weather the world's been having. Maybe it's always been this way and we're only getting bombarded with it because we have so many media outlets screaming in our faces, maybe it truly is the beginning of the end and global warming is giving us a nice little wake up call. Whatever it is, can it PLEASE stop raining torrential downpours? Hell, I live in Vancouver, I know it rains here and generally I love it, but when roads have to be shut and we're having mudslides where people are missing, enough's enough.

I'm off work right now. Two weeks of vacation. I'm supposed to be looking for a new job, but i've decided to give myself the first week to just chill out and do nothing. Sleep late. Stay up late. Fool around on this machine. I thought I almost killed it the day before yesterday and it took me awhile to get it back to normal, so that gave me an added excuse to be lazy. Mind you, I did a bunch of errands yesterday. Being the good girl that I am and all.

I'm being sued for a very minor car accident that happened two years ago. Well, i'm being named, my insurance broker is being sued. It's a total scam. It was the most minor of rear enders and only happened because the girl was incredibly stupid and stopped dead in a merge. There's a two year deadline for filing an injury claim and she's sneaking in under the deadline. She's naming me and another guy for the claim. Funny, two months later she got rear ended on the same street. Go figure. They have all these scams running with insurance. I never even mentioned my concerns to the office administrator but she came right out and said everything I was thinking. How they have the best lawyers, this is routine and that probably nothing will come of it. I bet they're investigating these scamming bitches everyday. Well, i'd love to meet this woman again. I'd scare her with my presence for sure. People wonder why our insurance rates are so high..

My job is stable for right now. MAJOR changes though to the company structure. I want to be loyal, especially during a time like this, but I also want to be ok and have a future. I haven't had a raise in so long and it's a total struggle to be financially sound. I think what I should do is keep looking and keep working. Apparently it's better to actually have a job while you're looking for a new one. Apparently companies that are hiring like that. I don't know, I haven't been seriously looking for a new job since I was 22. And baby, i'm not 22 anymore.

2004-12-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

It's quiet here today. But not that sick quiet that I hate. Today feels like it has way more promise than yesterday.

I'm smack dab in the middle of my grieving. I can feel it moving it's way through me. You can grieve just about anything. Apparently I grieve for it all. Situations that feel out of my control are usually just a few steps away from being solveable. It's always that way. Wrapping your head around that can be hard though.

I have a home.
I have a great (crazy) family.
I have good friends.
I have my health.

And with the situations that are going on in the world today, that makes me very rich.

I need to remind myself of that more often.

2005 should be interesting. That's a given.

Happy New Year!

2004-12-28T11:54:00.000-08:00

Are you feeling as overwhelmed and helpless about the Tsunami tragedy?

Wow.

I've never had the desire to travel to that part of the world, even though it's stunningly beautiful, but there's a big part of me that wants to fly there right now and help. A lot of people must be feeling that. I'm a useless twit though and I doubt I would be of any help at all. But for the first time ever, i'm going to donate money to the Red Cross. When payday comes i'm going to send off a little. It won't be much, but every little bit counts.

Your phone bill can wait, people. Send some money to the Red Cross, the hell has just begun for these people.

They won't have time to grieve for quite awhile, the least we can do is make sure they have some clean drinking water and edible food.

Thoughts and prayers for all the people affected by this tragedy.

2004-12-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

Let's try this again, shall we.

One would think that there are many, many things that need to be done at this point during the Christmas build up, but for me, there's very little. I've downsized and this is when we're slowish at work.

I thought I would give blogger another whirl. I had a site on here many moons ago, but I decided to shut it down after a "relationship" went south.

I like the concept though and I like blogger's set up.

So, i'm back baby. Just like your Aunt Margo and her special Christmas casserole surprise.

Merry Christmas!